Welcome, children! Welcome to the wonderful land of Subway Cinema News! Would you like to sit on Santa’s lap? Don’t worry, Santa’s just sleeping. He was up all night packing presents for all of you wonderful boys and girls…but only the good ones. The bad ones don’t get any presents! They get shot in the back of the head while they’re sleeping.

.

I shouldn’t have said that. That’s one of Santa’s special surprises. So let’s change the subject and talk about Asian cinema in NYC, instead.

.

John Woo’s RED CLIFF is screening at the Landmark Sunshine and the Beekman (which is at 2nd Avenue between 66th and 67th). There’s some controversy over this version, which is 2 hours and 30 minutes long instead of the original five hour epic, but to be honest I think it’s much improved by the editing. Call me a philistine, but the original two-part RED CLIFF left me bored to tears: pompous speeches, an annoying love story sub-plot, endless scenes of characters just going blah, blah, blah. The cut version moves fast and furious, doesn’t get bogged down in meaningless philosophizing about war and China, and I don’t think you lose a lot. Cue: someone to appear in the comments section and tell me I’m an idiot. (more info)

.

On a decidedly lesser note, Rain, the Korean pop star with perfect abs and sometime movie star (I’M A CYBORG BUT THAT’S OKAY), appears in the muddled and muddy NINJA ASSASSIN that’s playing all over town. Tell me, isn’t that a bit redundant? I mean, ninjas are by the very nature of their jobs assassins. Is there such a thing as a ninja flower arranger? (showtimes)

.

Art house catnip, THE SUN, by Russian director Alexander Sokurov is all about the last days of Japan’s Emperor Hirohito. It’s now playing at Cinema Village. (more info and showtimes)

.

Arrgghhhh!!!! Make it stop! Please, for the love of god make it stop! Amitabh Bachchan stars in PAA up at the ImaginAsian. The next picture you see will be of him playing this part. Someone! Please! Help me gouge my eyes out!

.

.

(PAA showtimes…if you dare)

.

Wait, wait. I don’t believe it. There can’t be an actor anywhere in the world who would let himself appear on camera like that. Let’s see another still from PAA…

.

Look out! There’s something on your back!

Let me get a stick! I’ll scrape it off for you!

.

Conclusion: PAA is as awful as I feared. Watch out for PAA. PAA is worse than Santa.

.

Comments (1) Dec 04 2009